Marvel vs. DC – Tug-of-War

The Matticus Kingdom has brought back the official Tug-of-War. This week’s prompt: For the return of the world famous* game, we have chosen the prompt:  Which universe of superheroes (and villains) is superior: Marvel or DC?

Let the battle begin!

A drunken Hank Pym grows to giant-size without clothes. Pictured is the reaction.

Heroes: 

DC- Justice League (with Batman), Justice Society (with several heroes playing various facets of Batman), Teen Titans (recently cancelled, even with Batman Jr. er, Robin, I meant Robin)

If it doesn’t have Wolverine, it doesn’t sell. – Most likely Marvel Management
Why did you give the rights to 20th Cent. Fox? – Disney

Marvel-Avengers (with Wolverine), approx. 5,000 X-Men teams (all with Wolverine somehow), Young Avengers (not cancelled, but the series did end. I’m pretty sure Wolverine was worked in somewhere along the way.)

I’m going to break this down by matching up the Big Three for each company.

Matchup 1: Thor vs. Superman

Norse God of Thunder or Invulnerable Juggernaut of ridiculous over-poweredness? Both are massively strong, have multiple means of attack, and have incredible stamina and durability.

But in this battle, I’m going to have to go with Thor. Superman has weaknesses, written in as a way to challenge him and give fanboys a way to say Batman can beat Superman without seeming completely delusional.

One of those weaknesses happens to be magic. What does Thor wield? Only one of the most powerful magical weapons created. He’s also been training and fighting for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. And he’s still around.

Winner: Thor (unless Supes goes on a neck-snapping spree)

Matchup 2: Iron Man vs. Wonder Woman

Tony asks Diana out for dinner and a drink or…several bottles. Diana accepts because she has some sort of thing for damaged billionaires with self-destructive lifestyles (see Batman). Tony does something stupid and WW pounds him across the sky. Iron Man manages to knock her into the arc reactor where Pepper waits to throw the switch, frying Wonder Woman. She then goes into an Extremis rage and pierces Diana’s torso with a piece of rebar. Tony takes credit.

Oh Pepper. Is there anyone you can’t murder?

Winner: Pepper Potts

Matchup 3: Captain America vs. Batman

Two evenly matched men, both at the pinnacle of human development. The pinnacle of human development apparently means physics doesn’t apply anymore, so this is a more high-flying battle than Thor and Supes. This comes down to numbers. Cap has Falcon, Winter Soldier, and Agent Carter come to his aid, while Batman, the ultimate loner, calls three Batgirls, four Robins (one Robin became a Batgirl!), the Huntress, and the entirety of Batman Inc. to his side.

It is a bloody battle, but the Bat Family dogpiles Cap. After the battle, Batman trolls for a new Robin because he goes through them like a lonely man watching porn goes through tissues (cue the Ewwww’s).

Winner: Batman because the Internet might implode from the collective gasp of impending nerd-rage if he didn’t

Yes. Yes you are.

Overall victors: Marvel

Villains: 

Marvel: Dr. Doom, Magneto, Green Goblin (Norman Osborne)

DC: Lex Luthor, Joker, Sinestro

Matchup 1: Green Goblin vs. Lex Luthor

Why do you hate Spider-Man fans, Marvel? – Everybody

Two billionaire businessmen with unhealthy obsessions over franchise supers. One is bald, and the other apparently had kids with Gwen Stacy before she died. Both have a fetish for purple and green tights (the colors of royalty and money, I see what you did there).

Osborne took Stark’s position as head of S.H.I.E.L.D and renamed it H.A.M.M.E.R because acronyms are easy for psychotics. He’s tormented Spider-Man (and fans: see picture) for years, became a national hero after shooting the Skrull Queen in the face with a sniper rifle, and led a coalition of heroes and villains against Asgard, hovering over Oklahoma because when I think Viking Heaven Oklahoma comes to mind, and the resulting battle brought it down.

Luthor became President because Superman had way too much faith in the American people (and his writers, mostly writers) to campaign against him. Hijinks ensued.

He’s tormented Superman for years, although Superman writers don’t seem to hate his fans enough to have him have a kid with Lois (although he does have some…indelicate photos of her.).

This is not one of those photos…I think.

I’m giving this battle to Normie. He’d snipe Luthor from a distance then pumpkin-bomb the cooling corpse to hell. Plus, he made Gwen Stacy his baby-mama. Creepy.

Matchup 2: Magneto vs. Joker

Magneto survives whatever tricks the Joker can throw at him because if he survives Nazi’s, he survives a pasty-faced weak sauce clown. He then takes the iron in the Joker’s blood and torments him before killing him, while screaming, “I AM HOMO SUPERIOR.”

The Joker’s death pisses off Batman (for some reason) and Magneto shivs him with a Batarang. Superman mopes and gives up on humanity because humanity actually likes the fact that a psychopathic mass murderer won’t kill anymore people, and moves to a holographic farm.

Think it couldn’t happen? It already has.

Winner: Magneto and the regular people of DC. He replaces Superman as the top hero in that world because Magneto flip-flops like that.

Matchup 3: Dr. Doom vs. Sinestro

Sinestro goes on an early offensive against Doom, and becomes overconfident. Doom allows this until Doom figures out Sinestro needs his ring. Doom then breaks out the magic and magical science to overwhelm Sinestro. Doom steals the ring, and Doom becomes the head of the newly-named Doom Corps. Doom then proceeds to conquer both universes (Doomiverses?) with Doom’s army of Doom-wielders and Doombots. Doom rules until Reed Richards (Curse you, Richards!) goes back in time or something equally stupid to steal Doom’s victory because mere writers cannot hope to match Doom’s intellect.

Winner:

ALL HAIL DOOM!

Overall Winner: Marvel

The Stupid:

With such a long publishing history, every company is going to have some mistakes. Let’s look, shall we?

The downside: Years of oh-so-hilarious quips about hating clones.
Upside: Uh…um…the clone didn’t have babies with Mary Jane? (If you steal that Quesada…at least give me credit for the suck that follows)

Marvel: Spider-Man-The Clone Saga

Spider-Man part duh – He sells his marriage to the devil.

*sigh* Yes. Yes this happened.

DC:

Is there anything face-punching can’t solve?
Yes. The answer is: Zod *mutter* break his freaking neck, are you serious? *mutter*

Teenage Superman from Earth-Prime, where he’s the only hero and the hero’s are comic book characters, face-punches reality, shattering it into shards.

DC part duh – The New 52

Seriously. Screw you, DC.

Loser: While Spider-Man gave it a good go, the New 52 is an ongoing exercise in stupid. DC.

Winner of the tug-of-war: MARVEL!